15 of my favourite memories

In just 3 days I will be back in the UK and naturally I have mixed feelings about that. It's been a fantastic 13 months during which I've learned and laughed and loved, improved my Thai and (I think) avoided intestinal parasites. Here are some of my top memories. I'm sure they have more meaning to me than to anyone who reads this (who does read this anyway?) but here we go:

1) On my first day in Bangkok, being shown to a room on the roof of the guest house I was supposed to rescue. A room which lacked ceiling height walls, had a corrugated iron roof and was filled with miscellaneous junk. This was to be my control room. How I was expected to use the toilet or wash I'll never know.

2) Going to the Royal Park for the Queen's birthday and being surprised by the devotion of the people camped out in the field, only to find out they were actually all homeless.

3) Being abused by a deranged girl on a bus downtown, only for her to turn up on Khao San Road months later, pregnant, and in dire need of the toothpaste and pizza that only I could provide.

4) Causing a woman to break down in tears and threaten to resign by creating a room booking chart (that in fairness was actually logical and easy to use, unlike the one she used) and showing it to her, suggesting the hotel use it.

5) Seeing the King, Queen and extended Royal Family in the flesh on the King's birthday, something most Thai people haven't done.

6) When an elephant pulled my head into her mouth and licked my nose. Bear in mind an elephant's tongue is enormous.

7) Discovering that a 4 month old elephant does have teeth and does bite. Having my fingernail surgically removed as a result.

8) Talking to a prostitute for two hours until she got bored and angry with me and told me to get lost.

9) Eating dog meat over 100 times, and often seeing the dog beforehand. Once I attempted to batter and deep fry the meat. I didn't try a second time.

10) Spending Christmas in a hill tribe village, and being invited to write about it in a guide book which might be published!

11) Spending two hours trying to get home during The Troubles. Soldiers everywhere. Shooting causing roads to be shut off. Sneaking around police roadblocks and driving down empty streets on the back of a motorbike taxi.

12) Buying a dog by the kilogram and then keeping 14kg of dog as a (great) pet.

13) A Belgian holocaust-denying guest whose rationale involved photo-duplication and the fact that some modern Jews speak German. I only made two non-Thai (or Burmese) friends in the 13 months I was here and I think most of that was because of the Belgian.

14) Every policeman in Thailand telling me England lost 4-1 in the World Cup, whilst squeezing my arms.

15) Racing through winding, deserted mountain roads on a motorbike at 5am in Pai/ปาย (which is not pronounced "Pie") to see the "sea of clouds" over the mountains. Doing so whilst singing Colours of the Wind from Pochahontas  and using leaves as insulation from incredible cold. On the way home in the evening, a 1.5 ltr bottle of petrol in the front basket exploded and went all over me.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!