Genitals Covered in Ants!

I just found this photo on my laptop. Basically some animal got killed and its man-parts were hunt up on the fence to dry in the sun or something. The red ants got wind of this and completely covered it. I thought they were going to build a nest!

Naturally, I molested them, and found that when I pointed me finger at them, they'd all face it, and as I moved it, their heads and gnashing jaws followed simultaneously. Creepy.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

That's That.

I'm back in the UK.

Of course it is sad to leave Thailand, but there's nothing stopping me from going back, it's just a case of waiting.

I've been eating some of the things I missed while away, including steak and pizza, but I haven't been out much because I immediately got sick coming back. Once I'm better I'm looking forward to seeing friends thought. I'm sure I'll get sick of it soon, but the weather is pretty interesting. Rain doesn't depress me and mist is pretty cool.

I guess the question is, what becomes of this blog now? I suppose I could use it to write musings about Thailand, or as a diary of my voyage through the year-long course to become a barrister. I'll have to see how I feel.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

15 of my favourite memories

In just 3 days I will be back in the UK and naturally I have mixed feelings about that. It's been a fantastic 13 months during which I've learned and laughed and loved, improved my Thai and (I think) avoided intestinal parasites. Here are some of my top memories. I'm sure they have more meaning to me than to anyone who reads this (who does read this anyway?) but here we go:

1) On my first day in Bangkok, being shown to a room on the roof of the guest house I was supposed to rescue. A room which lacked ceiling height walls, had a corrugated iron roof and was filled with miscellaneous junk. This was to be my control room. How I was expected to use the toilet or wash I'll never know.

2) Going to the Royal Park for the Queen's birthday and being surprised by the devotion of the people camped out in the field, only to find out they were actually all homeless.

3) Being abused by a deranged girl on a bus downtown, only for her to turn up on Khao San Road months later, pregnant, and in dire need of the toothpaste and pizza that only I could provide.

4) Causing a woman to break down in tears and threaten to resign by creating a room booking chart (that in fairness was actually logical and easy to use, unlike the one she used) and showing it to her, suggesting the hotel use it.

5) Seeing the King, Queen and extended Royal Family in the flesh on the King's birthday, something most Thai people haven't done.

6) When an elephant pulled my head into her mouth and licked my nose. Bear in mind an elephant's tongue is enormous.

7) Discovering that a 4 month old elephant does have teeth and does bite. Having my fingernail surgically removed as a result.

8) Talking to a prostitute for two hours until she got bored and angry with me and told me to get lost.

9) Eating dog meat over 100 times, and often seeing the dog beforehand. Once I attempted to batter and deep fry the meat. I didn't try a second time.

10) Spending Christmas in a hill tribe village, and being invited to write about it in a guide book which might be published!

11) Spending two hours trying to get home during The Troubles. Soldiers everywhere. Shooting causing roads to be shut off. Sneaking around police roadblocks and driving down empty streets on the back of a motorbike taxi.

12) Buying a dog by the kilogram and then keeping 14kg of dog as a (great) pet.

13) A Belgian holocaust-denying guest whose rationale involved photo-duplication and the fact that some modern Jews speak German. I only made two non-Thai (or Burmese) friends in the 13 months I was here and I think most of that was because of the Belgian.

14) Every policeman in Thailand telling me England lost 4-1 in the World Cup, whilst squeezing my arms.

15) Racing through winding, deserted mountain roads on a motorbike at 5am in Pai/ปาย (which is not pronounced "Pie") to see the "sea of clouds" over the mountains. Doing so whilst singing Colours of the Wind from Pochahontas  and using leaves as insulation from incredible cold. On the way home in the evening, a 1.5 ltr bottle of petrol in the front basket exploded and went all over me.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

Cash Cow

Last night I was told to immediately finish my fried eggs and dried fish dinner because there was some excitement happening and it was imperative to go and see it.

Basically, there's this 14 or 15 year old girl who decided to test just how effective wishful thinking was in preventing pregnancy when engaging in unprotected sex with multiple (at least 4) cheeky chaps in the local area. The results are in and they're not surprising, and the issue is just what to do about a pregnant 15 year old.

The army came to act as dispute-resolvers and naturally the meeting between the girl, her mother and the fathers of the various boys (who were absent and probably out trying it on with other 15 year old girls) was conducted in full public view with a crowd of onlookers. The with-child teenager was dolled up in her Sunday best but didn't contribute to the negotiations, which boiled down in the end to cold, succulent cash.

The gist of the meeting was that all of the fathers agreed to pay the girl's mother some money to apologise for the under-age sex and avoid police prosecution and that when the paternity test confirmed the unlucky father, his family would have to pay even more money. No suggestion of marriage, apparently.

Niiiiice.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

...our business model is the trapezoid!

Thailand is a country full of poor people who lack quality education. Those who went to school are the product of a top-down system that in general discourages the question “why?” and prefers that people accept what they are told. In the general public there is limited exposure to or interest in the wider world. The country features high levels of corruption, particularly in police and regulatory agencies. This is therefore the perfect recipe for... pyramid schemes!

Amway, Nutrilife, Zulian and now some other company whose name I forget are all working hard in Thailand and thousands of people are huge amounts of money... or so they'd have you believe.

As I write this, a woman, Pyramid Lady, is sitting down with a small crowd of interested listeners, telling them how for just a small initial investment, they'll be able to earn really rather fantastic amounts of money each month – some 20-40k baht at a minimum (someone working full time in 7/11 will earn around 7,500).

I have the general disadvantage here that I'm just a foreigner so despite my (perceived) enormous bank account, I don't really know anything. Luckily, a lady from the village who has moved away and opened various businesses in Thailand and has been invited to work in a 5-star hotel in Korea has come to visit for the new year, and she shares my scepticism so can back me up. Her disadvantage is that she's just a woman.

It's a little bit insidious for these companies to target the poor and uneducated so I'll do my best to convince the victims not to part with their money once Pyramid Lady has left. The problem is that the very things that make them good targets for these schemes make it difficult to explain the truth to them. None of them have asked “If one can earn 40k+ baht every month doing nothing then a) why is Pyramid Lady spending 2 hours in a village up a mountain trying to get people to join and b) if she's on an amazing enough salary to justify doing a), why has she turned up in a cheap old pick-up truck?”

“There are some things like toothpaste and soap that people need to use every day”

Correct, and surprisingly, people have realised this already and created companies and products like Colgate, Darley, Lux and and Sunsilk, then spent millions on building up that brand. The listeners don't seem to be asking themselves “why would many people help make me rich by buying some unknown brand of expensive toothpaste when Darley costs 10 baht in every shop in the country?” I've heard her saying several times “If you don't like selling things, you don't have to!”

They're also being wowed with maths featuring big numbers and no one seems fussed about the the fact that 50,000 x 100% = 5,000

Sadly, the few who have ended up squandering what little money they have despite my attempts to persuade them otherwise didn't ask “How is is possible that I could earn more than people who've been to university and got a job with a big company, without doing any real work?”

Don't think this is an indictment of the people of Thailand. There are plenty of people in the UK and other first-world countries, coming out of first-world education systems and falling for exactly the same too-good-to-be-true-but-go-for-it-anyway schemes. They don't have any excuse. If you've ever helped or seriously considered helping out a Nigerian millionaire and have yet to reproduce, think carefully about the over-population of the world and what your contribution to the gene pool would be.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!