Crossing the border to smuggle pepsi and shampoo into Burma

As every dirty immigrant who goes to live in Thailand for an extended period of time, the government doesn't welcome you with open arms. 30 day visas are given on arrival from airports, but only 15 days from land crossings. This means you get some people who have to leave the country every two weeks!

I am only required to leave every 90 days and the Mae Sai border is only about an hour away. Still, ever the tight-fisted git who'd rather not pay $10 for a 2 second stay in Burma, I tried to beat the system. Having left Thailand, instead of going over the bridge to Burmese immigration, I just walked over to the incoming immigration office and tried to get back in.

I was 99% clear until the immigration officer opened by passport and searched hopelessly for my stamp from Burma. He sternly told me to go to Burma first. When I told the guys at the other end I wasn't shopping in Burma, they seemed a little sad.

So whilst there's no requirement to actually enter Burma, you do still need a stamp from their immigration.

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Islamic Fundamentalists Call for Death Penalty, Misunderstand what the UN is.

In many Thai villages, there is a megaphone on top of a big pole. This appears to be a source of much anger for many expats who get married and move into villages. The reason is that the megaphone is used to blast out very distorted and loud messages that the village has no choice but to hear, usually at 6am and often several times a day.

I can understand why this would be annoying and I was worried about this when I moved to the village. Luckily the speaker is only used once, at 6am here, opening with a song, and since I go to bed at 9.30 it's no problem and it's nice to wake up to a tune. The point of this rambling flow of words is that this morning, for some reason, they decided to use a song by Akon. So I woke up wanting to make up right now, na na and wishing we'd never broke up right now na na.

While buying pig food to keep the pig I massage alive, a taxi man called me over to translate for two whiteys who were having problems. They wanted to go about 36km up the mountain but didn't want to pay 400 baht. Given that there's no guarantee of a return fare and he's driving a pickup that probably does 12 miles per gallon, that's actually a fair price. Anyway, for some reason, when the two people asked me questions about myself, I told lies. I said that I was a doctor and that I was on holiday for 3 months. I don't know why. Do you?

Finally, the second tallest person in the village (after me) was collecting honey and got stung in the face by bees. His face got all swoled up and when I saw him I laughed so hard. It reminded me of when this slightly uppity lady who drove dangerously opened a bottle of pepsi and it fizzed. Instead of closing it, she fully opened the bottle and it went all up in her face and all over the meal.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

Wet T-shirt Contest Gets Out of Control

I haven't written anything in ages, so I'm sorry for the lack of inspirational and awesome content. I dropped my phone one too many times and it no longer connects to the computer to let me use the internet. Hence I have to type it up on my phone. Since I'm using a Nokia 6630 (which has the 3rd most ridiculous keypad of any nokia) it feels a bit trying to use a 2 litre plastic bottle as a key for a moped. I've seen a very drunk but very determined person do that.

Anyway, what have I been up to? I went on a short trip to Bangkok during the Troubles and it was interesting to spectate a little. I tried to raise a tame baby chicken but a rat killed it. I've had to move rooms for the second time (no explanation given) but a) I'm now in the biggest room in the house and b) I only had to move the tv, so I'm letting it slide.

I got my hands on several tv series while in Bangkok and I also bought 9 books, including The Dark Tower II and IV by stephen king. Obviously I'm missing number III. I don't know how many people in Thailand or how many rich people in the wider world read this, but if anyone has a copy of the third book and would like to post it to me, please get in touch!

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

New Design

I've changed my blog to this new autumn layout because I'm now coming into my last 4 months in Thailand, so things are coming to an end, but I'm mostly just playing with the new layout feature and it will change again soon.

I made a nice little trip to the elephant camp this week and Mali and I became even better friends. We were standing around chatting when she forced me to stand under her neck. She then rested her head on my back. Maybe she thinks I'm a baby and was giving me some shade? It's hard to figure out an elephant's motives.

It's a common trick to have an elephant "kiss" a guest on the cheek with it's trunk, but they do have to be told. When I went to say goodbye to Mali on my last day at the camp, she voluntarily gave me a little peck on the arm, which was sweet.

This is Mali and a larger female elephant. The two of them behave quite oddly when they're together. They're passive-aggressive, very slowly shoving each other and "stealthily" stealing the others' food. It's weird to watch.

This adorable baby squirrel is the new pet of one of the ladies at the camp. I don't know if it's one of these endangered species you're always warned about not purchasing while in Asia though. It was very tame and a Russian tour guide marveled at how much it seemed to enjoy crawling over me:

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Stuff White People Like

I've found this funny and interesting website which explains that white people like gap years. I'm on a gap year so I thought I'd share it. Look at the rest of the site, it's good.

"When someone goes through a stressful experience they usually require some time off to clear their head, regain focus, and recover from the pain and suffering.   Of course, in white culture these experiences are most often defined as finishing high school, making it through three years of college, or working for eleven months straight with only two weeks vacation and every statutory holiday (“they don’t count because I had to spend them with family.”)


Though you might consider finishing school or having a good job to be “accomplishments” many white people view them as burdens.  As such, they can only handle them for so long before they start talking about their need to “take a year off” to travel, volunteer, or work abroad.

It is most common for the person taking the year off to use this time to travel (see Post #19 for reasons why).   Generally, they will start off with a set amount of money that will use to travel for as long as possible.  This explains why a white person with an $800 backpack will haggle with a poverty-stricken  street vendor about a $2 dollar plate of food.

If you work with this person, be sure to give them a FAKE email address on their last day on the job or you will be inundated with emails about spiritual enlightenment and how great the food is compared to similar restaurants back home.  Also, within the first five days following departure, this person will come up with the idea to write a book about their travel experience.  Sadly, more books about mid-twenties white people traveling have been written than have been read.

Some of the more enterprising white people will extend their time off by working abroad as a bartender, ski lift operator, or english teacher.  Their stories, emails, and publishing plans will be identical to the previous white person but will include additional stories about working and complaints about “tourists.”

Finally, there is the white person who takes a year off to volunteer at home or abroad.  Though they are equally likely to write long emails about their experience, these people are often using the experience as an excellent resume pad for their application to law school.  This way they are able to put off real life without the crippling derailment of a career or education.

Regardless of how a white person chooses to spend their year off, they all share the same goal of becoming more interesting to other people.  Sadly, the people who find these stories interesting are other white people who are politely listening until they can tell their own, more interesting story about taking a year off.
Thankfully,  there is an enormous opportunity for personal gain.  You see, whenever a white person takes a year off  it opens up a valuable apartment, job opportunity or admissions slot. Consider it to be the most pretentious form of affirmative action.
photo by Alex Steffler"

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

Don't put your finger between an elephant's teeth.

Back in February, I was playing with the baby elephant at the elephant camp. Elephants like sweet and salty things (unsurprising when you eat 100kg of bland leaves every day) and the baby was licking my sweaty palms. I wondered if a 4 month old who wouldn't eat banana skins had teeth and inched my right hand a little bit more into his mouth and felt that he did indeed have teeth. At which point he immediately bit my finger. Elephants have powerful jaws and it hurt, a lot. I don't think he really wanted to hurt me because I didn't hit him very hard with my free hand and he let go. I think it was more curiosity.

My right ring finger immediately went numb but didn't look bad. Elephants have very wide and flat teeth so it was more numbness from pressure than a wound - the nail didn't crack, there was no blood etc. After 12 hours the feeling came back to my finger.

After a day or two I saw that a small amount of the nail at the front had lifted off the nail bed but I didn't pay much attention to it. It didn't hurt at all. Sadly during the next two months the nail continued to lift up and eventually I showed it to a doctor, who said I should have it removed. This bothered me because I knew it would involve painful injections, probably a painful procedure and then a painful recovery. Nonetheless I went to the hospital paid £8 for my surgery. The procedure went well and the anesthetic actually worked, so it didn't hurt. I was prescribed ibuprofen (you can't buy it over the counter here!) and sent home. The nurse did a good job and the pain was very minimal - by the second day I wasn't even taking the pills. The finger was bandaged up nicely and only hurt when I knocked it, which I did two times despite the immense pain of the first bash.

What annoyed me was that I was told I needed to have the wound cleaned and the dressing changed every day for ten days.There's a subsidised mini-clinic near the village so I zipped over to it the next day. The "Doctor" cut the dressing off with a pair of kitchen scissors (ow) before ripping it off, which hurt because the wound had healed into the gauze and dried (ow) before aggressively cleaning the wound with saline (ow). She told me they didn't have the sticky bandage to go around the dressing so I should make do with a flimsy bit of gauze. Then she had the audacity to charge me 50 baht! Well, Bill Gates didn't get rich by writing a lot of cheques and I wasn't going to endure this procedure nine more times and and pay 500 baht for the privelege. I chartered a ride to the nearest pharmacy and the nice lady sold me the tools I would need to do the cleaning and dressing myself for 28 baht.

My ingenius inclusion of a reversed plaster in the healing aparatus stopped the wound healing into the dressing and allowed some air in, which cut the healing time down massively. The nail is now growing back but it looks a bit leperous.

I hope my lesson teaches you something about putting your fingers where they don't belong.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

The Short Tale of Tiny Tim

Everyone is born with a certain amount of luck. Tiny Tim's share erred on the small side. Born with six siblings, competition for his mother's milk and attention was fierce and Tim lacked the physical strength to beat off his brothers and sisters. They grew quickly and become ever stronger, while Tim became weak and emaciated.

After nearly a month on the harsh, dusty streets, Tiny Tim was looking death in the eyes. Unable to enough food, he often didn't even have the energy to hold his head up and could barely walk. Then one day, hunger overwhelming his fear of the white man, Tim approached, craned his crooked neck and looked up with his good eye. To his great surprise, Tim received a lychee. From that point on Tiny Tim followed the man all around town and was fed every day. The man even frightened away Tim's greedy brothers when they tried to steal this new food.

Each time he ate from the nice man's hand, Tiny Tim got a little bit stronger, a little less tiny. He gave off a whole to aura of energy and promise. His ribs began to disappear, he developed a smelly belly and could even run a little. Tiny Tim started to dare to hope, and the man also began to smile at the thought of their future together.

Until one afternoon, Tiny Tim used his new found energy to leave the garden and was killed by a dog.

RIP Tiny Tim.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

I miss...

Steak
Cheese
Pizza
Bread
Cured meats
Tuna
Peanut butter
Olives
Milk
Salad dressing
Potatoes
Chocolate
Salt & vinegar and Prawn cocktail crisps

and of course, I miss you!

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

Tips for Living in the Mountains

I just got menaced by a snake. It reared up and menaced me and not knowing if its bright colours meant “I'm poisonous” or “I grant wishes”, I ran like a girl from its slithering advance. I bet it wanted to avenge the snake I ate last week.

Although unfriendly animals are occasionally encountered here in the mountainous countryside, the main threat comes from boredom. If one intends to up sticks and move into this sort of environment, I think preparation for this is helpful.

I used to exercise once a day, but I've now increased that to twice a day because there's so much time available. I've always been a big reader but was back home I was mostly distracted by computers with their websites and video games and didn't read much during university. Now I spend a considerable amount of time reading and it's great. Living in the village is a great chance to actually do some educational reading too, or “book learning” as the Thais say. This always makes me think of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel from The Simpsons. I always have to stock up on literature when I go to Bangkok and I never get enough.

There are frequent distractions in the village (carrying a termites nest home to feed chickens, holding a muscular dog's mouth shut for a rabies vaccination, harvesting various things and erecting stuff) but they don't last very long and it's important to be able to occupy oneself. I'm beginning to wish I was a proper builder or engineer because practical skills would be useful. It's all very well knowing about law and economics but there's no practical use for it here. I want to build stuff like some sort of crank and pulley ventilation system to generate a cooling breeze without using electricity, but I don't know where to start with that and even if I work it out, I probably couldn't build it.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

Go Back to Burma

A consistently interesting Thai blog with a sort of social-media/technology slant I read did a post about a Guardian article where the writer slated Thailand in favour of Burma, citing rudeness on public transport as a reason for boycotting Siam. I'd never personally experienced this, until now...

I was waiting at the bus stop for the bus to my elephant camp. When it arrived and I waved it down, the driver stopped 10 metres away from me. Sighing, I picked up my bags and trudged over to the bus (in the baking heat). As I walked, the bus driver impatiently started honking at me. Obviously I was in the wrong there. (Incidentally, the driver honked the horn over 100 times during the 25km journey, usually for no reason whatsoever).

Once on the bus, things were looking cramped. It appeared that the driver had decided to bring his family to work today. His wife was acting as ticket conductor, and his two children were each occupying a double seat. As I motioned for them to move up, they openly defied me. Mum, watching this, naturally did nothing and before I could stab one of them and toss his writhing, dying body into the aisle, the driver immediately planted his lead right foot on the floor. I quickly flopped into the only free seat before the G-forces splattered me against the rear of the bus, next to a little bird woman. As the Gs dropped, the conductor wanted to walk past me. I'm not a massive person but I'm bigger than most Thai people and this bus was not built with anyone over 5'5 in mind. Given then I was also holding a big bag, I had to stand up and lean over the bird lady. Again, obviously I was in the wrong as the conductor loudly announced “Stupid (white) foreigner.” Right, because you are allowing your bratty children to snooze on double seats, I'm the bad one here. I'm the worm, you're the king. I did want to retaliate and call her a cretinous, mannerless cow, but since here husband was driving the bus it probably wouldn't have been smart. Besides, humiliating someone clearly as rude and ignorant as this woman isn't going to do anything beyond make her more bitter towards the next foreigner who comes along. I contented myself by being excessively loud and overly detailed in my Thai explanation of where I was going, so everyone knew I'd heard and understood what she said.

The thing is, there are rude people, people with absolutely no class, and xenophobes in every country. This woman was probably not even been a real conductor. I'm certainly not going to pack up and go to Burma as a result.

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!

No need for a speedo

Some believe believe Thais drive to haphazardly (see the woman weaving through traffic on a motorbike wearing an unfastened helmet, driving with one hand while talking on the phone and determinedly not looking in her mirrors, which at any rate are titled up so she can check her make-up on the go and thus are useless) because they believe Buddha will protect them from harm. Often Thai people wear Buddha amulets for protection. The rear seats in Bangkok taxis do not have seatbelts. I saw a great example of this belief in godly protection today when I got a taxi. The driver had adorned the dashboard with amulets, as many do, but this fellow had covered up the speed / rev / fuel display with amulets, to the extent that you could only see the speedometer between 90 and 120 km/h.

This was clearly the driver's comfort zone, because armed with our collection of amulets we blasted through Bangkok onto the expressway, making sure never to dip below 30km/h above the speed limit. Despite the driver's protective amulets, you know what? The bastard was wearing his seatbelt!

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!