Five Tips for Aspiring Dr. Doolittles

Eventually we all have to wake up to the reality that we can't really talk to animals. It's not even our fault, it's the fact that animals rarely combine a highly-developed brain with the ability to make a wide array of noises that humans can mimic. Nonetheless if we can't talk with the animals, at least we can walk with them, assuming they'll let us get that close. Here are my tips for befriending all kinds of animals, from dogs to hogs.


1. Feed it! - Animals love to eat and giving one food is a great - probably the best - way to help them overcome their fear of you and can prevent them from biting you. I mentioned previously that I got on a big elephant's good side by giving her tasty treats every day – a handful of sugar for an elephant or meat dipped in honey for a bear could be the ideal starting point for your endeavour.

2. Stroke it! - Animals are dirty hedonists who have no desire to contemplate the universe or the deeper meaning of existence – they're more like a retired Priest who just woke up in Pattaya, Thailand, with a fistful of $100 bills. Exploit this. When I was getting to know Patrick, the large male pig, I discovered he was in dire need of someone to scratch his side. I was only too keen to oblige and he continues to enjoy it on a daily basis. This was the key to becoming his friend.

3. Defend it! - When Dwight the female pig was released from her pen to wander with her new litter of 7 piglets, she was very scared of me. As part of the process of becoming her new foraging buddy, I identified a problem she faced: harassment from dogs. They would often behave very aggressively towards her, barking and biting, always attacking in packs. Pigs are easily scared and she was having a bad time. I decided I would immediately join the fray and fight off the marauding hounds. Pigs are also quite clever, and Dwight recognised my selfless act and immediately became more comfortable around me and would even sometimes follow me around.

4. Shout at it! - I don't mean to literally bellow at your chosen animal, but to listen to the noise it makes, and make it back at it. Patrick the pig makes fairly comical grunts, which I emulate. I feel this helped to make him more at ease with me. Gan Gloey the baby elephant would make a choking/gurgling noise when he wanted to wrestle, so by making the same noise I could indicate that I mirrored his desires. This effective communication helped cement our relationship.

5. Play with it! - If you can identify something that the animal likes doing, think of a way you can get yourself involved. Mali the elephant liked to put leaves and things on her head and shake them off, so I would put them on for her as part of our bonding exercises, as well as more direct play where she would toss me around. Dwight the female pig likes to root around in fresh earth, so I would dig a small hole when she was nearby so she could come and investigate it. Dogs enjoy chewing and biting things, monkeys enjoy picking scabs. Find out what your animal likes to do and start doing it!

Perfect your technique before trying to befriend a Rhino

I hope that these unconventional tips, gleaned from years of working with the animal kingdom, will help you to have more fulfilling and less fatal relationships with the animal of your choice. I would however caution you to remember the following: “Don't kid yourself Jimmy, if a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you love.”

I won't be updating this blog any more - go to The Penang Blog to see my new and exciting Malaysia blog!